I keep thinking things will get easier because it’s been three months. The reality though is that the more time that passes, there are more things she’s missed. How am I supposed to carry on with things without my mom and best friend by my side? Even though the past few years were difficult, while she struggled with ALS, her mind was still sharp. She still enjoyed our long talks and she got almost more excited than I did at my kids’ accomplishments.
They say the first year is the hardest. It’s the first of everything without your loved one. It’s only been a few months and she’s already missed so much. Sweet sixteen birthday and a new car, grandson’s baptism, my fortieth birthday, wedding proposal and wedding planning, music and theater performances, multiple sports games and school events. She would’ve been to it all. These things should’ve been exciting and fun, but instead, I just notice who isn’t there.
Instead of looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, I’m totally dreading it. If the days are anything like my birthday last month, I will spend the day in bed, crying and waiting for it to end. The problem is, I have little kids to plan for. They deserve to have a good time, to make memories.
Somedays I think I’m doing pretty good. I’ll even talk about her and not have a complete meltdown. And then it happens, when I least expect it. This week it was the little assignment my eight year old had to do for school. Disguise the turkey. He’s obsessed with Harry Potter so we disguised the turkey in a robe, wand, broom, glasses and even a little lightning bolt scar on his forehead. My son was so proud of his turkey when we were done and couldn’t wait to take it to school. I took a picture of it and automatically started to text it to my mom. When I realized what I was doing, I had a total meltdown. What a strange thing to sob about! I just know what her reaction would be. She would be so excited about his little turkey. She was a school teacher for 40 years and was always so proud of my kids accomplishments in school, both big and small.
No one will ever feel the void my mom has left in my life and in my heart. I honestly don’t know what to do to even kind of patch it up so I can keep going forward. I’m trying to find some way to start a new tradition this year. Something that will honor her and get us through the next few months. I want my kids to always remember what an incredible lady she was. She was thoughtful, funny, loving and generous in every way. She was our biggest cheerleader in everything we did. I know she’s still proud of us and is watching over us. It’s just not the same as having her here with us every day.
Janae Christiansen 